December round-up

Baby Nelson,

You had a fanastic Christmas!! We kicked off the holiday season by volunteering. My friend Erin, you and me went to deliver christmas cookies to a nursing home. We made all different types...walnut cranberry, snickerdoodle, chocolate chip, peanut butter....and of course, none were sugar free. Since, like, over half of the residents were diabetic, we had to leave the cookies up front for the nurses to sneak to the non-diabetic residents so the diabetic ones didn't feel left out. Face palm. Fail. But, we know better for next time! :-) The residents LOVED you. Apparently, a little baby is the elderly version of crack cocaine. One woman specifically asked to be rolled into the dining room by her aide and in a very serious tone asked me "Did you steal this baby?!". When I told that in fact, you were not a stolen child, she seemed relieved and told me about her own 5 sons. You got to meet a 100 year old lady who just loved you and in fact you got your picture taken with her. We will print out the picture and take it to her after New Years as a suprise! She was born Aug 10, 1910 and you were born July 27, 2010....amazing 100 year difference. We went room by room and you met all types of wonderful, interesting people and you got to listen to their stories. You did great. I cant wait to go back with you and I hope that we can continue to volunteer together year after year my sweet boy.

You had a wonderful Christmas! You got way too much stuff. We all went overboard because this is your first Christmas ever and stuff for you is really, really cheap. Ask me again when you are 14 and want every electronic thing at Best Buy. My favorite gift for you was this awesome high chair that your Grammy got for you! It has a toy in it so that you are entertained while I shovel food in your mouth :-). It works too!!! You love eating solids. Your favorite food is pears and mac and cheese. You know how to make a mess with your food!! By the time you are done eating, it looks like someone got murdered. You have stuff on your hands, arms, face, hair, forehead...but you have fun and you are a great eater. What more could I ask for?! Im having fun trying new foods with you and seeing what kinds of things you like and don't like.

Your daddy likes feeding you too!! He and you have been having a lot of fun this holiday season ...watching Eagles games together, going shopping together, eating a lot of good food!

We are excited to ring in the New Year with you! A lot has happened in 2010 and I am thankful for every second you have been with me. I am excited for 2011 and watching you grow and change as the year goes on. I wonder what kind of blog post I will write in December 2011?

I love you baby of mine. You are my favorite gift.

December Updates!

Hi Babes,

Since your mother has ADD, sometimes I dont post as much as I should. So, I will do a quick round up of things that have happened this month

You spit up into my laptop and broke it. Luckily, Mommy had insurance and got a new laptop for free. So, in a way, thank you for your excess vomit. :-)

You LOVE, LOVE, LOVE plays. We went to a puppet show w/Aunt Maureen at the library and you really like it. Although she did almost throw down. She was greeting you and saying hello and some Wicked Witch of the West started touching her and telling her to be quiet. I heard a loud "DO NOT TOUCH ME" and "I'm going to say hello to my nephew if I want to" among other things. I love that woman.

You also went to Crossroads Christmas play and LOVED IT. A stranger even commented on mesmerized you were and what a good job you were doing sitting still. I turned you away for a scene b/c they had strobe lights and I didn't know what could happen if a baby looked at strobe lights. You didn't care if you had a seizure...you did everything humanly possible to turn back to the show. Since you like shows so much, Im really going to be on the lookout for more opportunties to take you. I love knowing that something as simple as a play brings you so much joy.

You are spoon feeding now. So far, we have tried sweet potatoes, turkey, applesauce, bannanas, and pears. You LOVE pears the most, followed by applesauce. I'm trying to get you to eat the meat better by mixing it with sweet potatos. You thought that was antrax and spit it out with a vengance. So, we will not be trying that again. Like your mom, you probably have a sweet tooth. You prefer sweets (fruit). So, so far I've given you a sweet tooth and a birthmark. Go Mom.



The other 1 billion parts of your apparance and your personality are your dads!!! Like my friend Mandy said when she met you, "He is scooped from his daddy's butt." You look and act so much like Sam. Both of you are really observant. And, both you look serious...even look mad...when in reality you are just chilling out. Exhibit A: Santa. You met Santa today. And, while most children smile or laugh when sitting on Santa's lap....you, my sweet child, look like you want to take someone into a back alley and make them pay. You look like you are in the mafia!! But, you were just hanging out. You weren't mad...you were just taking it all in. But when you smile....you have the best smile in all the world...just like Sam. I just need both of you to smile when I point a camera in your face!!! Both you and dad act like smiling for the camera is going to give you a disease.

The sweetest memory of the month so far happened yesterday. Your dad always gives money to the salvation army bell ringers. He does this each and every time he sees one. We were at the store and I was checking out. your dad went up the salavation army lady. I was gathering up the packages when I saw him put a dollar into your hand...and he lifted you up so that you could give the dollar to the lady. My eyes filled with tears. What a wonderful daddy you have Abiel, who wants to instill good values into you.

You did breakfast with Santa earlier this month at Frisch's Big Boy. You enjoyed it and we want to make this a family tradition! You got to sit on Santa's lap and you even got to meet Big Boy. I thought you might cry because although Santa was nice, Big Boy looked like he had been rode hard and put away wet. His costume looked like it had seen better days...he had heroin hands...they were all back on the finger tips. However, you reached out for him. I hope this means that you are loving and accepting of others, or it means that you are fearless ....I really hope this does not mean that you have an affinity for things that look like they belong in a trailer park. You did great, my love.

I got a bunch of books that will introduce you to the bible stories. I am so excited to start reading them to you. Mommy got a book for herself too..historical fiction...my favorite. This will be the first book I have read since you were born!! I mean, a book for fun. All  I do is read text books, I miss reading for fun. I really hope to get back into that and maybe one day we can read books together. Reading is a joy I hope to share with you....you love to be read to, so, I think we are off to a good start!

You are the best gift I could recieve this holiday season. Love you my 4 month ...almost 5 month old boy!

Just a quick update...

Abiel,

Your mom has ADD (please don't have ADD, please don't have ADD, please don't have ADD....) and because I do, I can't get my shit together and post when I need to. So, I will do a short recap of the happenings-as-of-late:

-- Biggest happening: You have MRSA. I even got sent an offical letter from infectious disease control about your MRSA. I dont know if that should go in your baby box or not, probably not. I have to give you special medicine twice daily. Thankfully, you are good about taking your medicine. I hope this gets you better, my sweet boy. I am sorry that you have this, I wish I could take it away and carry it for you.

-- You had your first thanksgiving!!!! You spent it with Caressa and Steve and their 2 children. This time last year (around thanksgiving) we found out that we were expecting...now we have our own precious butterball to love. Im so thankful for you!

-- You shit on your Aunt Maureen. What is it with you and pooping on people? She kindly helped me out in a pinch and watched you for me one day. And, you returned the favor by crapping on her. :-( Thankfully, she still loves you. And she updated about it. And it was wonderful.

-- You love to put stuff in your mouth. It is so cute, but, so scary. Putting stuffed animals in your mouth = win. Putting sharp crap in your mouth while my back is turned which I am paranoid will happen = anxiety disorder for mommy.

-- You fell off the bed!! I wanted to call CPS on myself when this happened. Thankfully, you are ok. Unfortunately, this is the day we all discovered you could roll multiple times. By rolling off the kind size bed. Yes, you may use this ONE TIME for a get-out-of-jail-free-card. Use it wisely, my son. Use it wisely.

-- We got all your Christmas presents, and wrapped them already!! This is GREAT considering I usually dont get my act together about Xmas until, like, oh, Christmas eve. They are all wrapped and everything. I hope that you like them, eventho I know you have no idea what is going on. It's special for me to do this for you. I can't wait until we get our Christmas tree. We always have real trees. I can't wait for you to look at the lights!

-- You drool on everything, all of the time. You are a drool fool. :-) You are always soaked. I have to change your bib and/or outfit several times a day. Where all this saliva comes from, I have no idea.

-- I love you. I love your laugh. I love your big, chunky thighs and baby rolls. I love the way you stare at me and go "goo". I love your smile. I love your precious eyes when you stare up at me when Im feeding you. I am just so in love with you and I look forward to every, single day with you.

4 month stats

You will be 4 months old in just a few days. I decided to weigh you and take your height. I had to do at home with our scale and tape measurer because you don't go to the doctor for your shots for another 2 weeks.

You weighed 18 pounds and were 27 inches long. I'm not sure if this is 100% accurate as we had to do it at home. But, I tried to be as precise as possible.

If my calculations are correct...you are in the 94th % for weight and 96th% for height!!! My big boy!!!

First favorite song

You were driving home with your daddy (mommy was at home working on a paper). And he had the radio on. The song "I whip my hair back and forth" by Willow Smith came on. Daddy said that you went crazy!! You loved it!

He told me this when you got home. I immediately found the music video online and played it for you. You could not take your eyes off it. You loved it!

Looks like we have your first favorite song!!! :-)

So much for Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

You made your first deliberate choice today: Saying "screw you" to grandma

Today, as far as my knowledge goes, you made your first deliberate choice today. Im sure you've made choices before...but this choice was extremely deliberate. You were asserting yourself, for the first time! And your first choice you have ever made in your life was......(drum roll please)....giving your grandma the baby equivalent of the middle finger.

Grammy Loreen is my mom, your maternal grandmother. She is probably the only other person who loves you with the same passion as your father and I love you. She drives 2 hours, several times a month, from Columbus to Cincinnati, just to wipe your ass. She was there the day we found out what sex you were. In fact, if you had girly bits, you would have been named Aurora Claire Loreen Nelson, after your Grandma Loreen. She is the only one who gives me a break and will stay up all night watching you so that mommy can catch up on sleep (daddy would, but, he works 2 jobs, so, it's pretty much just me flying solo on the staying-up-all-night business). She hosted a baby shower for you in Columbus, she makes sure you have enough clothes and toys, she sings to you and dances with you. You have peed on her and she just smiled and laughed. She was in the room when you were born, she saw you enter this world. She is the one you will live with if anything were to ever happen to me or your dad.  I came from her, and you came from me.She loves you with as much power and passion as someone could love another person.

So, what was this thing...so grand...so enchanting...so brillant that you would say "screw you!" to your grammy who loves you? A puppet. A puppet in the shape of a duck, a wolf and a cute, but, deformed looking boy.

Today you went to your first puppet show. You saw "Peter and the Wolf". And you were in love. I knew you would be awake for some of it, as you had a good nap that morning. But, I didn't know how it would go. You are only 3 months old and life probably seems like a Salvador Dalhi painting most of the time, I'm sure. I didn't know if you would get fussy and start crying, or, if you would be bored since the theater was so dark and fall asleep, or, if you would want to "talk" and "coo" and "laugh" and interrupt the entire show since music was playing and the atmosphere was fun. It was really a crap shoot how you would react. But, you fell in love. The seconds the lights dimmed, the music came on, and those (mostly) well-crafted puppets came out and were animated ....something magical happened. Your eyes were glued to the show. Some hand sucking, bib sucking and, of course, the need to eat a bottle ensued. You are your father's son...all you do is eat :-). But, you were glued to the show. You couldn't take your eyes off of it. You were in love. You were so quiet....taking it all in, concentrating intently. You smiled and lit up watching the puppets act out the fairy tale.

Grandma had to sit behind us due to the seating. She wanted to see you, so, I turned you AWAY from the show to see grammy behind us. However, you had other plans. You were trying to be nice to grandma, so, you didn't fuss....but....you kept constantly turning your head back to the puppets. Back to the show. You basically said "screw you, grandma, you're nice and all, but, these puppets are where it is at!!!!". You couldnt be bothered with your grandma who loves you. The need to gaze upon a marionet was urgent.

We got the hint and just kept you forward facing for the rest of the show.

So, the first deliberate choice you have ever made was chosing a piece of wire and felt in the shape of a duck, over your flesh and blood grandmother. Luckily, she won't hold this against you when Christmas comes around :-).

And yes, there will be more puppet shows in your future. Don't worry. I know now you need your puppet fix :-).

YOU POOPED ON MY FACE!

Tonight you had your first true diaper blowout. I should have known it was going to come sometime soon...3 whole months without one, I was overdue!

Well, my son, you delivered. Have to give you that. I was picking you up from behind and at that exact moment the planets aligned and you proceeded to projectile poop out of the side of your diaper ON EVERYTHING. I got poop on my FACE, my FEET, the FLOOR, the CARPET, TWO...not one but TWO layers of blankets, your own outfit WHICH I HAD TO CUT YOU OUT OF, your HEAD, EAR, FACE, ENTIRE BODY. I ran naked, screaming into the shower with my clothing on, you in my arms as if we were just sprayed with napalm.

I have just finished using resolve on the carpet. I am washing the bed sheets. You have had a bath for the 2nd time tonight and are snug in a new, clean outfit with a new clean diaper. No one has ever pooped on my face. Well, tonight son, apparently I can cross that little number off the list: get poop simultanously in your eye and on your foot, check!

And YES. For all this crap, no pun intended, this WILL be read by your prom date. Hi Abiel's future prom date!!!! We want you to be safe and have a good time tonight. No drinking and driving! Take a ton of pictures and make sure Abiel is a gentleman and opens your door and pulls out your chair.

 Something this awesomely horrific has to be read at the ultimate embarrasing moment. You pooped on my face Abiel, and your own face. I had to cut you out of your outfit. There are no words.

Oh, and how much poop actually landed in the diaper itself? Yeah. Of course, NONE. :-)

Operation No Vampire

Abiel you have had your days and nights mixed up for, oh, about 2 weeks now. It has been hell. I love you more than air, but, getting no sleep at night has not been easy. Im sure you don't mind that you sleep all day, but, my love, I can't! I've done everything that all the books recommend, that all the other moms recommend. Cereal in your bottle, taking you to stores at 1am to see if looking at the sights/sounds will wear you out, I've even promised you a pony when you are 4 if you sleep now. No luck.

However, tomorrow it is very, very, very important that I am fully awake. Usually, these past few weeks, if I've had to do something, it was ok if I was kinda sleepy. I would drink a cup of coffee and be some what coherant for whatever it was that I needed to do and that would get me by. However, tomorrow, I cannot be even partially comatose. I have to be fully engaged. Why? Because tomorrow I am taking a SIX HOUR infant/child CPR class to learn how to take better care of you. I want to learn what to do in case you need help because of your breathing problems. I also know that you will be crawling soon...and walking shortly after that...and all this crawling and walking is going to lead to you sticking things in your mouth. Unspeakable things that I don't even want to think about right now. In case one of these things-that-shall-not-be-named hurts you, I want to be able to help you. Of course, I dont plan on allowing you stick things in your mouth, but, I havent met a mom yet whose child hasn't ingested something unsanitary. I want to be prepared, just in case. You mean more to me than life itself, and I want to know how to best protect you if I need to. I can't lose you, I need you so, so much. You are my gift, and I will protect you.

So, in order for all of this protection to happen. I have to pay attention in class. And, in order for that to occur. I have to sleep. Yesterday, you didn't go to sleep until 8am. I have to be in class by 8am!!!! So, today is Operation No Vampire. Meaning, little vampire, you are going to have to go to sleep at night and stay awake in the day like the rest of us mere mortals. :-) In order to accomplish this I have kept you up, aside from a very short 45 minute nap, from 1pm to now, 8:45pm.

This has not been an easy feat. We have watched shows, rocked, sang, dance and that was the fun stuff. The torturous part was that I gave you a bath, I kept you naked except for a diaper, I rubbed you down with a cold washcloth when you were extra, extra drowsy. Normally, I try to give you all your meds all at once, since medicine time is not your favorite time. However, today, I've spaced them apart to force you to wake up. Apparently, the nasty taste of zyrtec is a good stimulant.

Operation No Vampire is in it's final stages right now. I think I will give you a much deserved bottle, fresh pj's and a long, long cuddle. You are extremely exhausted and I hope that Operation No Vampire will be a success...here's hoping to wonderful sweet dreams for you tonight, AT NIGHT, my precious baby boy.

You are so funny my chunky monkey

You have an upper respiratory infection sweet, baby boy :-(. It is so hard for me to hear you struggle to breath. They stuck a camera down your nose today, your daddy had to hold you as I couldn't bear to hear your cries. Luckily, they didn't find anything wrong structurally. They are doing cultures to see if it could be something else. I am praying it will be an easy fix and you will be able to finally, finally have some relief.

Right now I feel like Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman except without all of the horses. I am giving you tylenol for your fever, zantac for your reflux, sucking snot out of your nose using saline drops and MY OWN MOUTH several times a day, putting butt cream on your bum because you have had diarreah and have a red bottom, putting you in the shower with me for the steam....I just want you to be better. I would gladly take this sickness from you if I could. I would bear any pain for you so that you wouldn't have to.

We had to buy you a new swing today for an early Xmas present. The swing you have now barely moves...even on the highest setting. I feel bad...like you except to ride the raptor and all you get are the teacups. What is the point of a swing if it doesn't...well...swing? We think you are too chunka chunka now and the swing wont move because of your wide load. Which, I adore. :-) :-) There has never been a woman who loves fat babies more than me...or Chelsea Handler. Google that when you are older.

This new swing has a 30 lbs weight limit compared to all other swings on the market that have a 25 lbs weight limit. We are hoping this 30 lb weight limit swing allows you actually have fun and swing...and buys mom and dad a few more months of being able to entertain you while we get stuff done. As much I would love to entertain you all day, unfortunately, I do have to do stuff like bathe and eat :-).

Your dad put the swing together tonight for you. He screwed something in wrong and became really frustrated. He let out a big angry grunt in frustration...UGHHHHH it sounded like. About 2 seconds later, I hear your sweet little baby voice go "ughh". You were trying to copy your daddy. It was the funniest, cutest thing I've ever seen. I love you. You make me laugh so much. You are better than a Will Ferrall movie, or, riding public transporation at 3am just to watch the drunk and crazy people, hands down.

I love you baby boy. Thank you for all that you add to my life.

Please wake up Vampire baby

Right now you are napping. No, not in your exersaucer, I just posted this pic becuase it is adorable and it proves that you will fall asleep ANYWHERE. But, right now you are napping and every ounce of my being is willing you wake up. I miss you and I want to hold you, snuggle you, kiss you and make you laugh.

Your days and nights are mixed up, which, is kinda hard! So, I am sure that come 3am I will get my wish of snuggles and kisses. But, Im growing impatient...wake up! I miss my boy!! Can we just talk for a second about the day/night mix up? Apparently you had a growth spurt where you slept all day and all night...this confused you and now you think that 2am-7am are prime party hours. Which, would be true if you were a frat boy, but, you are only 3 months old and we have a little while before we have to worry about frat parties and keg stands.

If you wanted to rearrange your day/night schedule...mommy would have NO complaints. None whatsoever! In fact, you could even consider it your Christmas present to me. So far, I have been consuming obscene quantities of caffine in order to keep up with your 3am demands of laugh, kick, play, swing, eat, pee, poop, look in the mirror, and staring at inanimate objects for hours on end. I would like to take you out in the day time, however, but, apparently you are taking a cue from Edward Cullen and/or Count Chocula... you don't like the light. My little vampire child, I love you.

Please wake up before my heart bursts into a million pieces. I miss you and want to hold you so much.

3 month stats

Abiel, you went to the doctor today and recieved a clean bill of health! You are doing really good on your zantac for your reflux! Today, exactly 3 months and 3 days old, you are 15 lbs 10 oz (90% for weight) and 26 inches long (96% for height). I love my big boy!!

Happy 3 months old!

Dear Abiel,

Yay! You have made it to 3 months old. I see changes and developments in you everday, you are fascinating to watch.

Some of the things you love right now:

Mirrors. If I was handsome as you are, I'd love to look at myself in the mirror all day too.
You love to "talk". You are like your dad and just won't shut it sometimes. That is ok, I love to listen.
You like your swing and you recently started to like your jumper.
You love to be read to.
You like the nursery at church, so many people to hold you and new toys to play with!
You like staring at 1 thing, for hours. You stared a screw the other day non-stop for an hour!
You love to eat and are a chubby monkey, 16 pounds at 3 months old.
You love cuddles and kisses. You laugh when I try to eat your cheeks or nose.
You love to be tickled and are very ticklish on your tummy.
You absolutely love to suck on your hands. You wont take a binky or a boob, but, man, give you a hand and you are in hog heavan!

Things you don't love so much right now:

Your car seat, we call it the "electric chair" because you hate it.
You aren't the biggest fan of being changed. Sometimes I think you'd rather just sit in your own pile of crap than allow mommy to wipe you clean.
You aren't the happiest camper when you are tired...you will wail for a good 2-4 minutes and than bam, you are out like a light.
You dont like clothing that is too tight...you are definetly a black man and like to wear looser fitting clothing.
You are still undecided on your projector. Sometimes you love to stare at it, other times you cry and act like the starfish picture on the celeing is the face of the anti-christ.

For the past 3 months all I've done is worry, get no sleep, make a million bottles, change a million diapers, do a million loads of laundry, try to entertain you and get chores/errands done, pull over the car countless times so I can feed you or change you. I wouldn't change a thing. I love every poopy, spit-up-y, burpy, nasty-junk-stuck-in-your-neck-folds-y minute of it. You cuddles are the greastest feeling. You have the best baby smell. Your smile lights up my day. Your laughter is the sweetest sound I've ever heard. You hold my heart in your tiny, chubby palm. I am so happy you are mine and I am yours. Happy 3 months my baby love.

Love,
Mommy

Singles ad for mommy friends!

So, I feel kinda lonely sometimes. I dont have too many mommy friends. Let me rephase that...I have a TON of mommy friends but most of them are facebook friends or friends from highschool who don't live near me or friends from message boards like What To Expect When Your Expecting. I only have a handful of mommy friends in the Cincinnati area. I would like Abiel to be able to interact with other children, to have play dates, to have experiences outside of just me and him hanging out by ourselves. So, I'm on the hunt for "real life" mommy friends. Not that my mommy friends from high school or the web aren't wonderful...they are Godsends...but I would really like to interact with people face-to-face who will build into my son and I can build into their children as well.

I've joined some online things for Cincinnati moms. But, it's hard making new friends!! I feel like I'm single again and trying to find a date. I think it is easier to find a date than to find a mommy friend. I'm not kidding. It's also vulnerable because now I dont just have to worry about making a friend to interact w/me...but I'm opening up someone to my son as well. I want to make sure the friend(s) I choose are good people who love their children and would treat my child well.

I will post my experiences as they come...bring on the "mommy friend dates"!!! Sheesh...I do sound like a singles ad :-) "28 year old mommy of 1, seeking same, for playdates, diaper advice, poop stories, long walks in the park and possible recipe exchange. Must be non smoker. Must be able to drive and have no criminal record. Only serious inquires will recieve a response."

2.5 month stats

You are 2.5 months old and weigh 15 lbs 4 oz. The doctor said you are in the 97th percentile for weight! Way to go my chubby monkey!

Living without regrets

I recieved Abiel's monitor in the mail, and that same night it went off 3 times. I checked and it was attached correctly, it was functioning properly...what this means is that 3 times that night, Abiel wasn't breathing. We took him to his pediatrician, who promptly advised us to go to Children's ER. While at the ER, the doctor noticed that during sleep his heart rate was lower than what it should be. They decided to admit him for overnight observation. I slept in the room with him with just the clothes on my back - I didn't go home, I didn't care about how I looked, what I had or didn't have with me. I was just grateful that Abiel was recieving the care he needed. Thankfully, the nurses were kind enough to bring me a toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, etc so that I could wash up. They also brought me as much pop/juice as I wanted, which was nice because I didn't feel like eating. I was too nervous. Overnight, I noticed Abiel's respirations dipped into a very low zone - low enough that the mointor went off and the nurse came in several times. In the morning, about 10 doctors came in to do rounds. I felt like some kind of side show, they were out as quickly as they came in. They told me all of the ususal stuff I "should" be doing ...putting him on his back to sleep (eventhough the child always rolls over to his stomache), use saline and nasal suction for his congestion (which I already do daily), don't keep anything in his crib (the only thing in his crib is him and a very light recieving blanket), oh, and one doctor told me that mointors shouldn't be used - they induce panic and can have false alarms. I just smiled and nodded and am doing the exact opposite. I'd rather check 1 million false alarms than miss the 1 alarm that saves his life. This monitor will never leave his side during sleep. I am almost angry as I write this ...I know my child. I know that something isn't right. I appreciate the "advice" the doctors gave me, but, it is as if they are telling me my hair is pink, when, I know for a fact that my hair is brown.

Abiel was diagnosied with "apparent life threatening event" , that is what it says on his discharge paperwork. There is really nothing that I can do...just make sure that his nose is as clear as possible since infants his age breathe through their nose. Make sure that he sleeps in a crib with nothing in it to avoid suffocation (as I have been doing), and keep his mointor on him. It frustrating knowing that at any moment, anything can happen to him. It is so scary. There are no pills, surgeries, cures...there is only my watchful eye and diligence.

For this reason, I've decided to leave my position at Talbert House. I have to be there for Abiel. He has to be in my sight 24/7. I cannot risk it. I have no idea what I would ever do without him and right now, my job is to protect him as much as I can. What this means for my family ... I dont know. Sam has picked up a 2nd job. And, God is good. My boss at Cincinnati State is letting me teach 3 classes, which, will give me almost the income I would have made at Talbert House. Plus, he has spaced these classes back to back so that I only need to be on campus 2x a week and can be home as much as possible.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. So much of my identity is wrapped up in being a counselor. I've spent my entire life studying to be a counselor, and, now I am giving it up. I am afriad that my quitting will result in some type of bad recommendation since I am not able to give a 30 day notice like policy requires. I hope that in this case, a case of medical necessity, a 30 day notice can be waived. I hope that my supervisors would give me a good recommendation so that in the future I could obtain another position whether it be at Talbert House or another agency.

More than being nervous, I am at peace. My son will get round the clock care by the person that loves him more than any other - his mother. I dont know how it will all work out .. God has already provided with Sam's 2nd job and my new work schedule at Cincinnati State. I know that I doing the right thing. No paycheck is worth my child's life. I need to do this. If I didn't stay home for Abiel, I will regret it my whole life. Not to say that I can't go back to counseling when he is old enough and strong enough, but, for right now, I need to with him. I want to be with him. I have to be with him.

This time in my life is one of growth, change, and most of all trusting in God. Trusting that His will be done in my life and Abiel's life ...and that His will is greater than my own thoughts, wants, desires, opnions. Trusting that God will provide, protect and use this experience for His glory in my life and the life of my sweet, sweet son.

It looks like I will get to be a stay at home mom after all. There is nothing I've ever wanted more.

So scared

So, tonight I went into check on you in your sleep. I didn't see the gentle rise and fall of your back. I put my hand on you, usually you stir and I know that everything is ok. You didn't stir. I went to pick you up...you didn't move, you felt like dead weight. I was so scared. Finally, finally, finally you made a movement. I rubbed you until you were fully awake...I had to be sure you were ok.

I cried so hard that I was hyper ventliating. I have never been more scared in my entire life. As I type this, tears are streaming down my face.

It's so vunerable to love someone so much. It's so un-nerving to have such a fierce love and protection. I don't know what I would do without you. I cannot live without you.

I looked up SIDS information online. Im so scared because you present some of the risk factors. You are between 1-6 months old (you are nine weeks), you are a boy, you are african-american, it is winter time....Im so paranoid. I almost wish I could keep you awake, I dont want you to go to sleep. I am half tempted to take something to keep me awake so that I can watch you all night long.

We are going to spend $$ that we dont have so that I can get you a monitor this week. It's a special mointor to clip onto your diaper that will make a loud alarm if you dont move for 15 seconds.  I dont care what bill we will neglect this month, I have to get this for you. Right now, I am so so scared.

All of this...and I fail to remember that your entire life has been mapped out already, by God. He has already planned for your time on this Earth. He is in control of your life, your saftey. Although Mommy can and will do everything to protect you, it's hard for me to remember to trust in God. That He loves you more than I do...if that is even possible. :-). That He can protect you much more than I can.

There is a man in the Bible named Abraham. He was asked by God to scarifice his son. A son named Issac, which he and his wife Sarah tried for many, many years to concieve. God asked Abraham to scarfice his son. This horrified Abraham. Abraham loved his son. But, as much as he loved his son, he trusted God more. He put his son on the alter to be scarificed when an angel appeared and showed Abraham a ram to scarfice instead; saving his son. Abraham - and Issac - were saved and blessed by blind faith.

That is what Im trying to have. Blind faith. As much as I love you, I need to trust God more. I need to give you to God...just as Abraham gave his son. To trust that God's love for you is greater and better than my love...that God's plans for you are greater and better than my plans for you. Eventho all of this is painfully hard for me. So much so, that, I can barely see this computer screen through my tears.

Dear Jesus,
I give Abiel to you. I give him to You to protect and love. I give Him to You because You knew him before I did. Because You knew his name before he was ever in my tummy. Thank you for him. Thank you allowing me to be his mommy. Teach me how to raise him. Help me to trust in You, that You will protect him. That Your will be done in his sweet, little life. Thank you for this incredible gift of Abiel...thank you every day that you allow me to be his mommy. He is my greatest reward, he is my prize. At the end of the day, as much as I love him, you love him more. Please allow that love You have for him to radiate through me. Please allow that same love to give me peace, because right now I live in fear. And that is not from You. In Your name, Amen.

Abiel, I love you more everday. My fear for you grows every day. It can be very hard being a mom. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you and I've never been more afriad of losing anyone as much as I am with you.

Poop hands

Today you were out of your diaper and you pooped and I had to catch it with my bare hands. Remember this act of love in the future when you might be mad at me.

1st day of church!

On Saturday 9/25/10 you went to church for the first time! I took you to my church, Crossroads. I was a little bit late getting there because I was in a rush to leave on time...I forgot your bottles! I didn't realize I forgot the bottles until I was halfway there, I felt like the worst mommy ever, so, I had to make a pit stop to Meijer to buy a bottle + formula. When I got to church the music was already playing, I had planned on bringing you in the auditorium with me but it was a little too loud for your sweet, little ears. So, Aunt Maureen and I took you to the nursery. I cried!! I had never left you with anyone who wasn't family. I took pictures of you in the nursery in your tuexdo shirt (hey, you had to dress up for Jesus. What is more dressed up than a tux?).

I went to listen to the sermon with Aunt Maureen and it was neat...they had a sermon on "playing". They had constured a huge playground on the stage with a tire swing made from a monster truck tire!! The sermon was actually given by a guest speaker, a woman who was pregnant. I could really relate to her since I was pregnant with you 2 months ago! She spoke about needing to take time for Sabatth and this includes rest and playing. I dont get too much rest with you just yet, you still need me a lot, which I love. The not sleeping part I don't love, but, I do it because I love you and it is my greatest gift to take care of you. But, I do get a lot of playing with you!! Some things that you like to do for play is sit in your bouncy seat or swing. You like making funny faces and noises with daddy. He sits you on his chest and you put your feet on his mouth! You like it when I read to you. You like it when I dance around the room with you and make up songs, this makes you laugh.

After church you got to meet Adam for the first time! He is Aunt Maureen's boyfriend and while he says that he doens't do too well with babies, he did say that you were one the best babies he has met. I think he does just fine with babies actually...he even has his future kids names picked out :-) Doesn't do great with babies my ass. We all 3 went to pick you up from the nursery. I had tears streaming down my face when I picked you up, I had missed you so much! I know I was only gone for an hour, but, my heart ached to be with you. I am going to be a hot mess when I have to leave you to go back to work full time. I guess you didn't miss me too much because you did great!! You were sucking away on a bottle when I went to pick you up, happy as a clam.

Then we went to get Indian food, probably one of my favorite (and yours while you were growing inside me) foods. When you were in my tummy, I craved Indian food more than any other food! I even requested it for the first thing I ate after my 26 hour labor where I couldn't eat or drink anything. Believe me, Indian food and your mom are good friends. I wonder if you will like it when you get old enough to eat real people food?

After dinner we went to get icecream at Graeters. It was fun! Except when I had to change you. I change you more than anyone has ever changed a baby in their life. I ended up changing you at church, on the floor of the indian restraunt, and on a park bench during icecream. You pee like a racehorse! :-)

Right now you are watching Sunday football with Daddy, I suspect this will become a fun tradition for you! And church will too!

Jealousy

I have to admit I have a twinge...ok...maybe more like a huge, gigantic moutain of jealously when I hear of mommy's being able to stay at home. I have to go back to work in a few weeks and while I love my job, I love my son more. I have the blessing of working out Sam's and my schedule so that we will only need childcare for 10-15 hours a week. Besides a short period of time when Sam is going to work, and I am leaving work, Abiel will be with one of us. This makes me feel incredible. I don't want a stranger raising my baby. But, if I had a magic genie with 3 wishes, my first wish would be that I could stay at home with Abiel and we would still be able to live and pay bills. We could live off of Sam's income, but, it would cover bills only. No food, gas, incidentals, no emergency-car-repair-money, no i-need-a-winter-coat-money, no abiel-needs-medicine-money. Not even extra money for a movie rental. So, no matter how many coupons I cut, no matter how many ways I try to figure out how to stay home...we really do need my income.

I'm trying to count my blessings. Blessings:  I do love my job, it is incredibly rewarding and interesting. I'm blessed to have a very flexible employer and my boss is a female and a mom herself, even better. We only need minimal childcare. I will be home every single evening with Abiel, to eat dinner with him and rock him to sleep. I do get to have adult interaction/conversation. I will be making much needed income.

But, eventho I can and do count my blessings...I am so in love with my son. I hate leaving him. I hate not knowing exactly what is going on with him during the 10-15 hours he is not in Sam's and my care. I believe I have a found a very nice sitter...but...it's not the same as family. I hate the fact that I am sure I will be exhausted when I get home from work and I dont want that to affect my ability to be the best mommy in the world to my son during the precious time I will see him in the evening.

I'm so jealous of all the stay-at-home mommy's. Im just going to continue my deepest prayer, every day, that God would make a way for me to stay at home with Abiel. Even if I just work part time...that God would make a provision for me to be able to do so. I am also going to pray that I make every second count with my son, that I dont take anything for granted.

Sigh. Sometimes it's hard being a mom

I love you Abiel

Abiel,

Right now I am holding you in my arms. I love to kiss your head and your fat pumpkin cheeks :-). I love to inhale your sweet baby smell. I love how you curl up and peacefully sleep in my arms. You are growing so, so much....you are only 2 months old and only wear 6-12 month old clothing! It is the greatest prize to hold you and cuddle you and rock you because I know all too soon, this stage in your life will be over. I cherish every moment with you. I hope you know that I will always protect you, always keep you safe. I think about you every second of every day. I miss you when I have to go to work, I miss you when I have to cook or clean and I can't hold you, I even miss you when you sleep :-).

I thank God for you every, single day. I love you more than words can express.

Love,
Mommy

Abiel's birth story 7/27/2010 @ 9:01pm

I was supposed to be induced Weds night. I went in for a non-stress test and a fluid test on Monday. Non-stress came back fine, Abiel was moving and bouning around like he should. But, fluid test came back slightly low. They told me to drink lots and lots of water, sent me home, and said they would see me on Weds. About 2 or 3 hours later I got a call from the hosptial saying "Oops! A nurse mis-calculated and your fluid is WAY low. Come in tonight." So, I called Sam, my mom and my best friend Maureen and told them the change of plans. This is why I'm very glad I had my hosptial bag already packed and ready to go!

I checked into the hospital around 6:30pm on Monday night. By 7pm, they had me in a room and started on a cervical ripening medication as I was not dilated whatsoever. Maureen, my best friend, arrived first to keep me company as my mom was traveling from Columbus and Sam had to work until 10pm. She brought me a wine glass decorated with a baby theme such as "nurse this!" and "I just lost 10 pounds". I can't wait to use it :-) She also brought me a wonderful football that says "It's a boy!" and had a place where we could fill out all of Abiel's information such as date of birth, weight, length and get the doctors signature. Perfect since our nursey is sports theme.

Everyone arrived at the hospital to be with me. Not much to do but sit around and wait for the medication to start working. It did...slowly. Very slowly. There were no extra beds in the rooms, so, everyone just went home for the night. I ended up having to share a room with another girl. Which was fine until she told the nurse that she was there for an "infectious rash". Great. Luckily they moved her. And then they moved me. At 4am I was "ripe" enough to go to a birthing suite. They started me on pictocin to get my contractions going. Sam took off work for the rest of the week, so he and mom arrived pretty early. Good thing they bought their laptops because it was pretty much a lot of sitting and waiting for the pictoin to work and contractions to start. And boy did the picotin work!!! At 3 cm dialated my contractions became unbearable. One thing I've learned about myself through this whole process is that I am probably the world's biggest wimp/crybaby. I was screaming so loudly due to the pain that they gave me the epidural at 3cm dialated when usually women don't get it until around 4 or 5 cm dialted. They said I was "scaring" the other patients on the floor since I was yelling so loudly in pain and the nurse, in a very nice way, said they were giving it to me to pretty much shut me the hell up. It didn't work on the first time! The doctor had to give me 2 doses of it. This knocked me out. I slept on and off for several hours. I woke up only to have people stick fingers inside of me to see how I was progessing and to talk about how much I missed food and underwear since I couldn't have either. Sam also slept a lot on the couch in the birthing suite. Mom and Maureen were being so supportive and loving, Maureen I'm sure was tweeting the whole experience. She was also in charge of video and pictures as she is a journalist. There are perks to having a best friend who is a journalist! My mom was my advocate since I was knocked out a lot...asking the doctors questions, keeping up with my dad and aunt who are both nurses, asking them questions, making sure I was ok and checking on me a lot.

The epidural wore off and I needed a 3rd dose of it. I was pretty much staying at 9cm dialated. They told me to "labor down" for the next hour of two. If I still hadn't dialted to 10...they were going to think about a c-section. After laying on my side, trying to get Abiel to move down and get my cervix dialated to 10, they checked me again. At this point...I was done. We were there for 24 hours already, I was in pain (again), no food or water ....only crappy ice chips....I was sick of being naked, in pain, hungry, tired and waiting. I just wanted to be done. I love you Abiel...but I wanted you out!!!! I also had developed a fever and wasn't feeling well. I was just done...I was at my breaking point.

They said laboring down worked, I was dialted to 10 and ready to push. Pushing was probably the wost experience of my life. I was in so much pain. The doctor had to give me not one...but two more epidural "booster" shots during the act of pushing. Maureen was video taping the whole experience while Sam and my mom held my legs. The viedotape is probably not my proudest moment. I was yelling at everyone, cussing, asking for the pain medication like I was some type of drug fiend, more cussing, more yelling, more telling people I couldn't do it, I believe I asked to die several times. It was the most pain I've ever experienced in my life. Even with 5 epidural shots during the whole 26 hours of labor...I was still in severe pain. Finally, finally, finally....Abiel Samuel Levi arrived at 9:01pm on 7/27/10.

They put him on my chest, but, I didn't feel anything. No overwhelming love like everyone said I would. This scared me. This probably was the scariest thing to happen to me throughout the whole labor. In my head...I was panicking. Everyone said I was supposed to feel this overwhelming love. I was glad he was here...but...no incredible feeling came with it. My fever had spiked to 102 degrees, I was doped up on all types of medications, including 2 shots of pain meds just during the last hour, and I was exhausted. I think that I was just literally out of it. I kinda felt like a zombie. While they were stiching me up and cleaning Abiel up, my mom and Sam were calling pretty much everyone in the human race. Maureen was checking on me and Abiel and she ordered me Indian food. She made a deal with me during pushing...that if I made it through labor I could have any food I wanted and I choose Indian. I was starving and it was such a blessing for her to get dinner for all of us. Everyone was crying, taking pictures, and wanting to see what was going on with the little man. It was a bit scary as he had a fever of 102...which the nurses said he got from me. As soon as I was stiched up and he was cleaned up and swaddled, they brough him over to me again. Ah. This is when the tears started and love flowed. This is the feeling that everyone was talking about. Love beyond love.

I looked at him and was overwhelmed. He looks just a like a white version of Samuel. So perfect and handsome and precious. And he is mine. God has entrusted this little life to me...and I want to do the best job that I can. I was so worried about his fever, but luckily that has gone down. On the way being wheeled from the delivery room to the recovery room, I became so protective. Holding him tightly because I was afriad the nurse wheeling my wheelchair might accidently bump into something. I was starving, but, I wanted to wait to eat because I wanted to try to breast feed Abiel first to see if he would eat. While the nurse gave him his first bath, he started crying. Hearing him cry...I just wanted to make it better. Of course, he was fine, he was just getting a bath...but I just wanted to do whatever I had to do to make it better.

Sam has been such a doting father. Picking him up and bringing him to me as I am still in a lot of pain and it's hard to move. He loves to hold Abiel and if anyone could possibly be more protective of Abiel than me...it's Sam. He won't let Abiel out of our sight. He and I still have a lot to learn about being parents to a newborn...I'm scared about how much I feel like I don't know, even after parenting classes, online support groups and reading books/magazines. I feel so unprepared. But, that is why I just have to take it one day at a time and rely on my loved ones and resources to help me.

I started to cry in the recovery room with Sam. I am just so grateful for my family. I am so grateful for this 8 pound, 5 oz package that God has delivered to me. I'm scared, because I feel like I don't know what the hell I am doing, but I am so grateful to be his mom and I will give life and limb to be the best mom that I can be. I am so grateful to my mom, dad, Sam and Maureen who were with me these past 26 hours of labor and who supported me every step of the way.

He is less than 24 hours old and I'm already starting to love getting to know his personality. He seems to just keep 1 mitten on his hands. No matter how many times I put two mittens on him, one always falls off. He is like his mom and kind of a vampire...hates the light like me! He looks so much like Sam it is crazy. He loves to have his hands in his face...something he also did in the womb as we have ultrasound pictures to prove it. I think he will probably suck his thumb when he is older, I guess hands in the face is something comforting for him. I can't wait to get to know more about him tomorrow and the next day and the next. Of all the things I've ever done in my life...Abiel is by far, the best. I'm overwhelmed, scared, and exhausted. I don't know what I am doing....and completely in love.

Blogging for my son

I've decided to start this blog for my son, Abiel. To document our time together so that when he is older, he can look back and read a "diary" of his life, of my life, of our lives together as a family. He is 2 month old in just a few days (9/27) and already I feel like that time has gone so, so fast....I dont want to forget anything. So, this blog is as much for me as is it for him. Abiel, l love you. I hope one day when you read this you will know how complete loved you are.