Living without regrets

I recieved Abiel's monitor in the mail, and that same night it went off 3 times. I checked and it was attached correctly, it was functioning properly...what this means is that 3 times that night, Abiel wasn't breathing. We took him to his pediatrician, who promptly advised us to go to Children's ER. While at the ER, the doctor noticed that during sleep his heart rate was lower than what it should be. They decided to admit him for overnight observation. I slept in the room with him with just the clothes on my back - I didn't go home, I didn't care about how I looked, what I had or didn't have with me. I was just grateful that Abiel was recieving the care he needed. Thankfully, the nurses were kind enough to bring me a toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, etc so that I could wash up. They also brought me as much pop/juice as I wanted, which was nice because I didn't feel like eating. I was too nervous. Overnight, I noticed Abiel's respirations dipped into a very low zone - low enough that the mointor went off and the nurse came in several times. In the morning, about 10 doctors came in to do rounds. I felt like some kind of side show, they were out as quickly as they came in. They told me all of the ususal stuff I "should" be doing ...putting him on his back to sleep (eventhough the child always rolls over to his stomache), use saline and nasal suction for his congestion (which I already do daily), don't keep anything in his crib (the only thing in his crib is him and a very light recieving blanket), oh, and one doctor told me that mointors shouldn't be used - they induce panic and can have false alarms. I just smiled and nodded and am doing the exact opposite. I'd rather check 1 million false alarms than miss the 1 alarm that saves his life. This monitor will never leave his side during sleep. I am almost angry as I write this ...I know my child. I know that something isn't right. I appreciate the "advice" the doctors gave me, but, it is as if they are telling me my hair is pink, when, I know for a fact that my hair is brown.

Abiel was diagnosied with "apparent life threatening event" , that is what it says on his discharge paperwork. There is really nothing that I can do...just make sure that his nose is as clear as possible since infants his age breathe through their nose. Make sure that he sleeps in a crib with nothing in it to avoid suffocation (as I have been doing), and keep his mointor on him. It frustrating knowing that at any moment, anything can happen to him. It is so scary. There are no pills, surgeries, cures...there is only my watchful eye and diligence.

For this reason, I've decided to leave my position at Talbert House. I have to be there for Abiel. He has to be in my sight 24/7. I cannot risk it. I have no idea what I would ever do without him and right now, my job is to protect him as much as I can. What this means for my family ... I dont know. Sam has picked up a 2nd job. And, God is good. My boss at Cincinnati State is letting me teach 3 classes, which, will give me almost the income I would have made at Talbert House. Plus, he has spaced these classes back to back so that I only need to be on campus 2x a week and can be home as much as possible.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. So much of my identity is wrapped up in being a counselor. I've spent my entire life studying to be a counselor, and, now I am giving it up. I am afriad that my quitting will result in some type of bad recommendation since I am not able to give a 30 day notice like policy requires. I hope that in this case, a case of medical necessity, a 30 day notice can be waived. I hope that my supervisors would give me a good recommendation so that in the future I could obtain another position whether it be at Talbert House or another agency.

More than being nervous, I am at peace. My son will get round the clock care by the person that loves him more than any other - his mother. I dont know how it will all work out .. God has already provided with Sam's 2nd job and my new work schedule at Cincinnati State. I know that I doing the right thing. No paycheck is worth my child's life. I need to do this. If I didn't stay home for Abiel, I will regret it my whole life. Not to say that I can't go back to counseling when he is old enough and strong enough, but, for right now, I need to with him. I want to be with him. I have to be with him.

This time in my life is one of growth, change, and most of all trusting in God. Trusting that His will be done in my life and Abiel's life ...and that His will is greater than my own thoughts, wants, desires, opnions. Trusting that God will provide, protect and use this experience for His glory in my life and the life of my sweet, sweet son.

It looks like I will get to be a stay at home mom after all. There is nothing I've ever wanted more.