So scared

So, tonight I went into check on you in your sleep. I didn't see the gentle rise and fall of your back. I put my hand on you, usually you stir and I know that everything is ok. You didn't stir. I went to pick you up...you didn't move, you felt like dead weight. I was so scared. Finally, finally, finally you made a movement. I rubbed you until you were fully awake...I had to be sure you were ok.

I cried so hard that I was hyper ventliating. I have never been more scared in my entire life. As I type this, tears are streaming down my face.

It's so vunerable to love someone so much. It's so un-nerving to have such a fierce love and protection. I don't know what I would do without you. I cannot live without you.

I looked up SIDS information online. Im so scared because you present some of the risk factors. You are between 1-6 months old (you are nine weeks), you are a boy, you are african-american, it is winter time....Im so paranoid. I almost wish I could keep you awake, I dont want you to go to sleep. I am half tempted to take something to keep me awake so that I can watch you all night long.

We are going to spend $$ that we dont have so that I can get you a monitor this week. It's a special mointor to clip onto your diaper that will make a loud alarm if you dont move for 15 seconds.  I dont care what bill we will neglect this month, I have to get this for you. Right now, I am so so scared.

All of this...and I fail to remember that your entire life has been mapped out already, by God. He has already planned for your time on this Earth. He is in control of your life, your saftey. Although Mommy can and will do everything to protect you, it's hard for me to remember to trust in God. That He loves you more than I do...if that is even possible. :-). That He can protect you much more than I can.

There is a man in the Bible named Abraham. He was asked by God to scarifice his son. A son named Issac, which he and his wife Sarah tried for many, many years to concieve. God asked Abraham to scarfice his son. This horrified Abraham. Abraham loved his son. But, as much as he loved his son, he trusted God more. He put his son on the alter to be scarificed when an angel appeared and showed Abraham a ram to scarfice instead; saving his son. Abraham - and Issac - were saved and blessed by blind faith.

That is what Im trying to have. Blind faith. As much as I love you, I need to trust God more. I need to give you to God...just as Abraham gave his son. To trust that God's love for you is greater and better than my love...that God's plans for you are greater and better than my plans for you. Eventho all of this is painfully hard for me. So much so, that, I can barely see this computer screen through my tears.

Dear Jesus,
I give Abiel to you. I give him to You to protect and love. I give Him to You because You knew him before I did. Because You knew his name before he was ever in my tummy. Thank you for him. Thank you allowing me to be his mommy. Teach me how to raise him. Help me to trust in You, that You will protect him. That Your will be done in his sweet, little life. Thank you for this incredible gift of Abiel...thank you every day that you allow me to be his mommy. He is my greatest reward, he is my prize. At the end of the day, as much as I love him, you love him more. Please allow that love You have for him to radiate through me. Please allow that same love to give me peace, because right now I live in fear. And that is not from You. In Your name, Amen.

Abiel, I love you more everday. My fear for you grows every day. It can be very hard being a mom. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you and I've never been more afriad of losing anyone as much as I am with you.