3 month stats

Abiel, you went to the doctor today and recieved a clean bill of health! You are doing really good on your zantac for your reflux! Today, exactly 3 months and 3 days old, you are 15 lbs 10 oz (90% for weight) and 26 inches long (96% for height). I love my big boy!!

Happy 3 months old!

Dear Abiel,

Yay! You have made it to 3 months old. I see changes and developments in you everday, you are fascinating to watch.

Some of the things you love right now:

Mirrors. If I was handsome as you are, I'd love to look at myself in the mirror all day too.
You love to "talk". You are like your dad and just won't shut it sometimes. That is ok, I love to listen.
You like your swing and you recently started to like your jumper.
You love to be read to.
You like the nursery at church, so many people to hold you and new toys to play with!
You like staring at 1 thing, for hours. You stared a screw the other day non-stop for an hour!
You love to eat and are a chubby monkey, 16 pounds at 3 months old.
You love cuddles and kisses. You laugh when I try to eat your cheeks or nose.
You love to be tickled and are very ticklish on your tummy.
You absolutely love to suck on your hands. You wont take a binky or a boob, but, man, give you a hand and you are in hog heavan!

Things you don't love so much right now:

Your car seat, we call it the "electric chair" because you hate it.
You aren't the biggest fan of being changed. Sometimes I think you'd rather just sit in your own pile of crap than allow mommy to wipe you clean.
You aren't the happiest camper when you are tired...you will wail for a good 2-4 minutes and than bam, you are out like a light.
You dont like clothing that is too tight...you are definetly a black man and like to wear looser fitting clothing.
You are still undecided on your projector. Sometimes you love to stare at it, other times you cry and act like the starfish picture on the celeing is the face of the anti-christ.

For the past 3 months all I've done is worry, get no sleep, make a million bottles, change a million diapers, do a million loads of laundry, try to entertain you and get chores/errands done, pull over the car countless times so I can feed you or change you. I wouldn't change a thing. I love every poopy, spit-up-y, burpy, nasty-junk-stuck-in-your-neck-folds-y minute of it. You cuddles are the greastest feeling. You have the best baby smell. Your smile lights up my day. Your laughter is the sweetest sound I've ever heard. You hold my heart in your tiny, chubby palm. I am so happy you are mine and I am yours. Happy 3 months my baby love.

Love,
Mommy

Singles ad for mommy friends!

So, I feel kinda lonely sometimes. I dont have too many mommy friends. Let me rephase that...I have a TON of mommy friends but most of them are facebook friends or friends from highschool who don't live near me or friends from message boards like What To Expect When Your Expecting. I only have a handful of mommy friends in the Cincinnati area. I would like Abiel to be able to interact with other children, to have play dates, to have experiences outside of just me and him hanging out by ourselves. So, I'm on the hunt for "real life" mommy friends. Not that my mommy friends from high school or the web aren't wonderful...they are Godsends...but I would really like to interact with people face-to-face who will build into my son and I can build into their children as well.

I've joined some online things for Cincinnati moms. But, it's hard making new friends!! I feel like I'm single again and trying to find a date. I think it is easier to find a date than to find a mommy friend. I'm not kidding. It's also vulnerable because now I dont just have to worry about making a friend to interact w/me...but I'm opening up someone to my son as well. I want to make sure the friend(s) I choose are good people who love their children and would treat my child well.

I will post my experiences as they come...bring on the "mommy friend dates"!!! Sheesh...I do sound like a singles ad :-) "28 year old mommy of 1, seeking same, for playdates, diaper advice, poop stories, long walks in the park and possible recipe exchange. Must be non smoker. Must be able to drive and have no criminal record. Only serious inquires will recieve a response."

2.5 month stats

You are 2.5 months old and weigh 15 lbs 4 oz. The doctor said you are in the 97th percentile for weight! Way to go my chubby monkey!

Living without regrets

I recieved Abiel's monitor in the mail, and that same night it went off 3 times. I checked and it was attached correctly, it was functioning properly...what this means is that 3 times that night, Abiel wasn't breathing. We took him to his pediatrician, who promptly advised us to go to Children's ER. While at the ER, the doctor noticed that during sleep his heart rate was lower than what it should be. They decided to admit him for overnight observation. I slept in the room with him with just the clothes on my back - I didn't go home, I didn't care about how I looked, what I had or didn't have with me. I was just grateful that Abiel was recieving the care he needed. Thankfully, the nurses were kind enough to bring me a toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, etc so that I could wash up. They also brought me as much pop/juice as I wanted, which was nice because I didn't feel like eating. I was too nervous. Overnight, I noticed Abiel's respirations dipped into a very low zone - low enough that the mointor went off and the nurse came in several times. In the morning, about 10 doctors came in to do rounds. I felt like some kind of side show, they were out as quickly as they came in. They told me all of the ususal stuff I "should" be doing ...putting him on his back to sleep (eventhough the child always rolls over to his stomache), use saline and nasal suction for his congestion (which I already do daily), don't keep anything in his crib (the only thing in his crib is him and a very light recieving blanket), oh, and one doctor told me that mointors shouldn't be used - they induce panic and can have false alarms. I just smiled and nodded and am doing the exact opposite. I'd rather check 1 million false alarms than miss the 1 alarm that saves his life. This monitor will never leave his side during sleep. I am almost angry as I write this ...I know my child. I know that something isn't right. I appreciate the "advice" the doctors gave me, but, it is as if they are telling me my hair is pink, when, I know for a fact that my hair is brown.

Abiel was diagnosied with "apparent life threatening event" , that is what it says on his discharge paperwork. There is really nothing that I can do...just make sure that his nose is as clear as possible since infants his age breathe through their nose. Make sure that he sleeps in a crib with nothing in it to avoid suffocation (as I have been doing), and keep his mointor on him. It frustrating knowing that at any moment, anything can happen to him. It is so scary. There are no pills, surgeries, cures...there is only my watchful eye and diligence.

For this reason, I've decided to leave my position at Talbert House. I have to be there for Abiel. He has to be in my sight 24/7. I cannot risk it. I have no idea what I would ever do without him and right now, my job is to protect him as much as I can. What this means for my family ... I dont know. Sam has picked up a 2nd job. And, God is good. My boss at Cincinnati State is letting me teach 3 classes, which, will give me almost the income I would have made at Talbert House. Plus, he has spaced these classes back to back so that I only need to be on campus 2x a week and can be home as much as possible.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. So much of my identity is wrapped up in being a counselor. I've spent my entire life studying to be a counselor, and, now I am giving it up. I am afriad that my quitting will result in some type of bad recommendation since I am not able to give a 30 day notice like policy requires. I hope that in this case, a case of medical necessity, a 30 day notice can be waived. I hope that my supervisors would give me a good recommendation so that in the future I could obtain another position whether it be at Talbert House or another agency.

More than being nervous, I am at peace. My son will get round the clock care by the person that loves him more than any other - his mother. I dont know how it will all work out .. God has already provided with Sam's 2nd job and my new work schedule at Cincinnati State. I know that I doing the right thing. No paycheck is worth my child's life. I need to do this. If I didn't stay home for Abiel, I will regret it my whole life. Not to say that I can't go back to counseling when he is old enough and strong enough, but, for right now, I need to with him. I want to be with him. I have to be with him.

This time in my life is one of growth, change, and most of all trusting in God. Trusting that His will be done in my life and Abiel's life ...and that His will is greater than my own thoughts, wants, desires, opnions. Trusting that God will provide, protect and use this experience for His glory in my life and the life of my sweet, sweet son.

It looks like I will get to be a stay at home mom after all. There is nothing I've ever wanted more.

So scared

So, tonight I went into check on you in your sleep. I didn't see the gentle rise and fall of your back. I put my hand on you, usually you stir and I know that everything is ok. You didn't stir. I went to pick you up...you didn't move, you felt like dead weight. I was so scared. Finally, finally, finally you made a movement. I rubbed you until you were fully awake...I had to be sure you were ok.

I cried so hard that I was hyper ventliating. I have never been more scared in my entire life. As I type this, tears are streaming down my face.

It's so vunerable to love someone so much. It's so un-nerving to have such a fierce love and protection. I don't know what I would do without you. I cannot live without you.

I looked up SIDS information online. Im so scared because you present some of the risk factors. You are between 1-6 months old (you are nine weeks), you are a boy, you are african-american, it is winter time....Im so paranoid. I almost wish I could keep you awake, I dont want you to go to sleep. I am half tempted to take something to keep me awake so that I can watch you all night long.

We are going to spend $$ that we dont have so that I can get you a monitor this week. It's a special mointor to clip onto your diaper that will make a loud alarm if you dont move for 15 seconds.  I dont care what bill we will neglect this month, I have to get this for you. Right now, I am so so scared.

All of this...and I fail to remember that your entire life has been mapped out already, by God. He has already planned for your time on this Earth. He is in control of your life, your saftey. Although Mommy can and will do everything to protect you, it's hard for me to remember to trust in God. That He loves you more than I do...if that is even possible. :-). That He can protect you much more than I can.

There is a man in the Bible named Abraham. He was asked by God to scarifice his son. A son named Issac, which he and his wife Sarah tried for many, many years to concieve. God asked Abraham to scarfice his son. This horrified Abraham. Abraham loved his son. But, as much as he loved his son, he trusted God more. He put his son on the alter to be scarificed when an angel appeared and showed Abraham a ram to scarfice instead; saving his son. Abraham - and Issac - were saved and blessed by blind faith.

That is what Im trying to have. Blind faith. As much as I love you, I need to trust God more. I need to give you to God...just as Abraham gave his son. To trust that God's love for you is greater and better than my love...that God's plans for you are greater and better than my plans for you. Eventho all of this is painfully hard for me. So much so, that, I can barely see this computer screen through my tears.

Dear Jesus,
I give Abiel to you. I give him to You to protect and love. I give Him to You because You knew him before I did. Because You knew his name before he was ever in my tummy. Thank you for him. Thank you allowing me to be his mommy. Teach me how to raise him. Help me to trust in You, that You will protect him. That Your will be done in his sweet, little life. Thank you for this incredible gift of Abiel...thank you every day that you allow me to be his mommy. He is my greatest reward, he is my prize. At the end of the day, as much as I love him, you love him more. Please allow that love You have for him to radiate through me. Please allow that same love to give me peace, because right now I live in fear. And that is not from You. In Your name, Amen.

Abiel, I love you more everday. My fear for you grows every day. It can be very hard being a mom. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you and I've never been more afriad of losing anyone as much as I am with you.