Jealousy

I have to admit I have a twinge...ok...maybe more like a huge, gigantic moutain of jealously when I hear of mommy's being able to stay at home. I have to go back to work in a few weeks and while I love my job, I love my son more. I have the blessing of working out Sam's and my schedule so that we will only need childcare for 10-15 hours a week. Besides a short period of time when Sam is going to work, and I am leaving work, Abiel will be with one of us. This makes me feel incredible. I don't want a stranger raising my baby. But, if I had a magic genie with 3 wishes, my first wish would be that I could stay at home with Abiel and we would still be able to live and pay bills. We could live off of Sam's income, but, it would cover bills only. No food, gas, incidentals, no emergency-car-repair-money, no i-need-a-winter-coat-money, no abiel-needs-medicine-money. Not even extra money for a movie rental. So, no matter how many coupons I cut, no matter how many ways I try to figure out how to stay home...we really do need my income.

I'm trying to count my blessings. Blessings:  I do love my job, it is incredibly rewarding and interesting. I'm blessed to have a very flexible employer and my boss is a female and a mom herself, even better. We only need minimal childcare. I will be home every single evening with Abiel, to eat dinner with him and rock him to sleep. I do get to have adult interaction/conversation. I will be making much needed income.

But, eventho I can and do count my blessings...I am so in love with my son. I hate leaving him. I hate not knowing exactly what is going on with him during the 10-15 hours he is not in Sam's and my care. I believe I have a found a very nice sitter...but...it's not the same as family. I hate the fact that I am sure I will be exhausted when I get home from work and I dont want that to affect my ability to be the best mommy in the world to my son during the precious time I will see him in the evening.

I'm so jealous of all the stay-at-home mommy's. Im just going to continue my deepest prayer, every day, that God would make a way for me to stay at home with Abiel. Even if I just work part time...that God would make a provision for me to be able to do so. I am also going to pray that I make every second count with my son, that I dont take anything for granted.

Sigh. Sometimes it's hard being a mom