Poop hands

Today you were out of your diaper and you pooped and I had to catch it with my bare hands. Remember this act of love in the future when you might be mad at me.

1st day of church!

On Saturday 9/25/10 you went to church for the first time! I took you to my church, Crossroads. I was a little bit late getting there because I was in a rush to leave on time...I forgot your bottles! I didn't realize I forgot the bottles until I was halfway there, I felt like the worst mommy ever, so, I had to make a pit stop to Meijer to buy a bottle + formula. When I got to church the music was already playing, I had planned on bringing you in the auditorium with me but it was a little too loud for your sweet, little ears. So, Aunt Maureen and I took you to the nursery. I cried!! I had never left you with anyone who wasn't family. I took pictures of you in the nursery in your tuexdo shirt (hey, you had to dress up for Jesus. What is more dressed up than a tux?).

I went to listen to the sermon with Aunt Maureen and it was neat...they had a sermon on "playing". They had constured a huge playground on the stage with a tire swing made from a monster truck tire!! The sermon was actually given by a guest speaker, a woman who was pregnant. I could really relate to her since I was pregnant with you 2 months ago! She spoke about needing to take time for Sabatth and this includes rest and playing. I dont get too much rest with you just yet, you still need me a lot, which I love. The not sleeping part I don't love, but, I do it because I love you and it is my greatest gift to take care of you. But, I do get a lot of playing with you!! Some things that you like to do for play is sit in your bouncy seat or swing. You like making funny faces and noises with daddy. He sits you on his chest and you put your feet on his mouth! You like it when I read to you. You like it when I dance around the room with you and make up songs, this makes you laugh.

After church you got to meet Adam for the first time! He is Aunt Maureen's boyfriend and while he says that he doens't do too well with babies, he did say that you were one the best babies he has met. I think he does just fine with babies actually...he even has his future kids names picked out :-) Doesn't do great with babies my ass. We all 3 went to pick you up from the nursery. I had tears streaming down my face when I picked you up, I had missed you so much! I know I was only gone for an hour, but, my heart ached to be with you. I am going to be a hot mess when I have to leave you to go back to work full time. I guess you didn't miss me too much because you did great!! You were sucking away on a bottle when I went to pick you up, happy as a clam.

Then we went to get Indian food, probably one of my favorite (and yours while you were growing inside me) foods. When you were in my tummy, I craved Indian food more than any other food! I even requested it for the first thing I ate after my 26 hour labor where I couldn't eat or drink anything. Believe me, Indian food and your mom are good friends. I wonder if you will like it when you get old enough to eat real people food?

After dinner we went to get icecream at Graeters. It was fun! Except when I had to change you. I change you more than anyone has ever changed a baby in their life. I ended up changing you at church, on the floor of the indian restraunt, and on a park bench during icecream. You pee like a racehorse! :-)

Right now you are watching Sunday football with Daddy, I suspect this will become a fun tradition for you! And church will too!

Jealousy

I have to admit I have a twinge...ok...maybe more like a huge, gigantic moutain of jealously when I hear of mommy's being able to stay at home. I have to go back to work in a few weeks and while I love my job, I love my son more. I have the blessing of working out Sam's and my schedule so that we will only need childcare for 10-15 hours a week. Besides a short period of time when Sam is going to work, and I am leaving work, Abiel will be with one of us. This makes me feel incredible. I don't want a stranger raising my baby. But, if I had a magic genie with 3 wishes, my first wish would be that I could stay at home with Abiel and we would still be able to live and pay bills. We could live off of Sam's income, but, it would cover bills only. No food, gas, incidentals, no emergency-car-repair-money, no i-need-a-winter-coat-money, no abiel-needs-medicine-money. Not even extra money for a movie rental. So, no matter how many coupons I cut, no matter how many ways I try to figure out how to stay home...we really do need my income.

I'm trying to count my blessings. Blessings:  I do love my job, it is incredibly rewarding and interesting. I'm blessed to have a very flexible employer and my boss is a female and a mom herself, even better. We only need minimal childcare. I will be home every single evening with Abiel, to eat dinner with him and rock him to sleep. I do get to have adult interaction/conversation. I will be making much needed income.

But, eventho I can and do count my blessings...I am so in love with my son. I hate leaving him. I hate not knowing exactly what is going on with him during the 10-15 hours he is not in Sam's and my care. I believe I have a found a very nice sitter...but...it's not the same as family. I hate the fact that I am sure I will be exhausted when I get home from work and I dont want that to affect my ability to be the best mommy in the world to my son during the precious time I will see him in the evening.

I'm so jealous of all the stay-at-home mommy's. Im just going to continue my deepest prayer, every day, that God would make a way for me to stay at home with Abiel. Even if I just work part time...that God would make a provision for me to be able to do so. I am also going to pray that I make every second count with my son, that I dont take anything for granted.

Sigh. Sometimes it's hard being a mom

I love you Abiel

Abiel,

Right now I am holding you in my arms. I love to kiss your head and your fat pumpkin cheeks :-). I love to inhale your sweet baby smell. I love how you curl up and peacefully sleep in my arms. You are growing so, so much....you are only 2 months old and only wear 6-12 month old clothing! It is the greatest prize to hold you and cuddle you and rock you because I know all too soon, this stage in your life will be over. I cherish every moment with you. I hope you know that I will always protect you, always keep you safe. I think about you every second of every day. I miss you when I have to go to work, I miss you when I have to cook or clean and I can't hold you, I even miss you when you sleep :-).

I thank God for you every, single day. I love you more than words can express.

Love,
Mommy

Abiel's birth story 7/27/2010 @ 9:01pm

I was supposed to be induced Weds night. I went in for a non-stress test and a fluid test on Monday. Non-stress came back fine, Abiel was moving and bouning around like he should. But, fluid test came back slightly low. They told me to drink lots and lots of water, sent me home, and said they would see me on Weds. About 2 or 3 hours later I got a call from the hosptial saying "Oops! A nurse mis-calculated and your fluid is WAY low. Come in tonight." So, I called Sam, my mom and my best friend Maureen and told them the change of plans. This is why I'm very glad I had my hosptial bag already packed and ready to go!

I checked into the hospital around 6:30pm on Monday night. By 7pm, they had me in a room and started on a cervical ripening medication as I was not dilated whatsoever. Maureen, my best friend, arrived first to keep me company as my mom was traveling from Columbus and Sam had to work until 10pm. She brought me a wine glass decorated with a baby theme such as "nurse this!" and "I just lost 10 pounds". I can't wait to use it :-) She also brought me a wonderful football that says "It's a boy!" and had a place where we could fill out all of Abiel's information such as date of birth, weight, length and get the doctors signature. Perfect since our nursey is sports theme.

Everyone arrived at the hospital to be with me. Not much to do but sit around and wait for the medication to start working. It did...slowly. Very slowly. There were no extra beds in the rooms, so, everyone just went home for the night. I ended up having to share a room with another girl. Which was fine until she told the nurse that she was there for an "infectious rash". Great. Luckily they moved her. And then they moved me. At 4am I was "ripe" enough to go to a birthing suite. They started me on pictocin to get my contractions going. Sam took off work for the rest of the week, so he and mom arrived pretty early. Good thing they bought their laptops because it was pretty much a lot of sitting and waiting for the pictoin to work and contractions to start. And boy did the picotin work!!! At 3 cm dialated my contractions became unbearable. One thing I've learned about myself through this whole process is that I am probably the world's biggest wimp/crybaby. I was screaming so loudly due to the pain that they gave me the epidural at 3cm dialated when usually women don't get it until around 4 or 5 cm dialted. They said I was "scaring" the other patients on the floor since I was yelling so loudly in pain and the nurse, in a very nice way, said they were giving it to me to pretty much shut me the hell up. It didn't work on the first time! The doctor had to give me 2 doses of it. This knocked me out. I slept on and off for several hours. I woke up only to have people stick fingers inside of me to see how I was progessing and to talk about how much I missed food and underwear since I couldn't have either. Sam also slept a lot on the couch in the birthing suite. Mom and Maureen were being so supportive and loving, Maureen I'm sure was tweeting the whole experience. She was also in charge of video and pictures as she is a journalist. There are perks to having a best friend who is a journalist! My mom was my advocate since I was knocked out a lot...asking the doctors questions, keeping up with my dad and aunt who are both nurses, asking them questions, making sure I was ok and checking on me a lot.

The epidural wore off and I needed a 3rd dose of it. I was pretty much staying at 9cm dialated. They told me to "labor down" for the next hour of two. If I still hadn't dialted to 10...they were going to think about a c-section. After laying on my side, trying to get Abiel to move down and get my cervix dialated to 10, they checked me again. At this point...I was done. We were there for 24 hours already, I was in pain (again), no food or water ....only crappy ice chips....I was sick of being naked, in pain, hungry, tired and waiting. I just wanted to be done. I love you Abiel...but I wanted you out!!!! I also had developed a fever and wasn't feeling well. I was just done...I was at my breaking point.

They said laboring down worked, I was dialted to 10 and ready to push. Pushing was probably the wost experience of my life. I was in so much pain. The doctor had to give me not one...but two more epidural "booster" shots during the act of pushing. Maureen was video taping the whole experience while Sam and my mom held my legs. The viedotape is probably not my proudest moment. I was yelling at everyone, cussing, asking for the pain medication like I was some type of drug fiend, more cussing, more yelling, more telling people I couldn't do it, I believe I asked to die several times. It was the most pain I've ever experienced in my life. Even with 5 epidural shots during the whole 26 hours of labor...I was still in severe pain. Finally, finally, finally....Abiel Samuel Levi arrived at 9:01pm on 7/27/10.

They put him on my chest, but, I didn't feel anything. No overwhelming love like everyone said I would. This scared me. This probably was the scariest thing to happen to me throughout the whole labor. In my head...I was panicking. Everyone said I was supposed to feel this overwhelming love. I was glad he was here...but...no incredible feeling came with it. My fever had spiked to 102 degrees, I was doped up on all types of medications, including 2 shots of pain meds just during the last hour, and I was exhausted. I think that I was just literally out of it. I kinda felt like a zombie. While they were stiching me up and cleaning Abiel up, my mom and Sam were calling pretty much everyone in the human race. Maureen was checking on me and Abiel and she ordered me Indian food. She made a deal with me during pushing...that if I made it through labor I could have any food I wanted and I choose Indian. I was starving and it was such a blessing for her to get dinner for all of us. Everyone was crying, taking pictures, and wanting to see what was going on with the little man. It was a bit scary as he had a fever of 102...which the nurses said he got from me. As soon as I was stiched up and he was cleaned up and swaddled, they brough him over to me again. Ah. This is when the tears started and love flowed. This is the feeling that everyone was talking about. Love beyond love.

I looked at him and was overwhelmed. He looks just a like a white version of Samuel. So perfect and handsome and precious. And he is mine. God has entrusted this little life to me...and I want to do the best job that I can. I was so worried about his fever, but luckily that has gone down. On the way being wheeled from the delivery room to the recovery room, I became so protective. Holding him tightly because I was afriad the nurse wheeling my wheelchair might accidently bump into something. I was starving, but, I wanted to wait to eat because I wanted to try to breast feed Abiel first to see if he would eat. While the nurse gave him his first bath, he started crying. Hearing him cry...I just wanted to make it better. Of course, he was fine, he was just getting a bath...but I just wanted to do whatever I had to do to make it better.

Sam has been such a doting father. Picking him up and bringing him to me as I am still in a lot of pain and it's hard to move. He loves to hold Abiel and if anyone could possibly be more protective of Abiel than me...it's Sam. He won't let Abiel out of our sight. He and I still have a lot to learn about being parents to a newborn...I'm scared about how much I feel like I don't know, even after parenting classes, online support groups and reading books/magazines. I feel so unprepared. But, that is why I just have to take it one day at a time and rely on my loved ones and resources to help me.

I started to cry in the recovery room with Sam. I am just so grateful for my family. I am so grateful for this 8 pound, 5 oz package that God has delivered to me. I'm scared, because I feel like I don't know what the hell I am doing, but I am so grateful to be his mom and I will give life and limb to be the best mom that I can be. I am so grateful to my mom, dad, Sam and Maureen who were with me these past 26 hours of labor and who supported me every step of the way.

He is less than 24 hours old and I'm already starting to love getting to know his personality. He seems to just keep 1 mitten on his hands. No matter how many times I put two mittens on him, one always falls off. He is like his mom and kind of a vampire...hates the light like me! He looks so much like Sam it is crazy. He loves to have his hands in his face...something he also did in the womb as we have ultrasound pictures to prove it. I think he will probably suck his thumb when he is older, I guess hands in the face is something comforting for him. I can't wait to get to know more about him tomorrow and the next day and the next. Of all the things I've ever done in my life...Abiel is by far, the best. I'm overwhelmed, scared, and exhausted. I don't know what I am doing....and completely in love.

Blogging for my son

I've decided to start this blog for my son, Abiel. To document our time together so that when he is older, he can look back and read a "diary" of his life, of my life, of our lives together as a family. He is 2 month old in just a few days (9/27) and already I feel like that time has gone so, so fast....I dont want to forget anything. So, this blog is as much for me as is it for him. Abiel, l love you. I hope one day when you read this you will know how complete loved you are.